I
want to preface this blog by saying that it is not warm and fuzzy, it’s not
funny… but it’s me… and since this blog is about me… it’s what you’re getting
this time…
Recently
a video circulated Facebook in which a young man tells the story of
encountering his rapist as “someone you might know” on Facebook. He talks about the feeling of panic and
trauma as he clicks on the profile where he instantly has access to personal
details he didn't have before. The pain
that occurs as he sees that his life has continued on… that he is well-liked,
and beyond that… they have friends in common.
He
then talks about the pain and judgement he received by friends, family, and
even law enforcement when he revealed what had happened to him. That ever so often question asked, “Why didn't you fight back?” He concludes by saying
that this is him fighting back.
I
watched this video through tears as I recalled encountering my rapist on
Facebook for the first time… and then seeing that several people who not only
did I know, but knew well, were “friends” with him. Once I got over the shock I pep talked myself
back to … this doesn't define me… I am
not less of a person because of what happened… which worked fine….
Until
last Sunday…
The
boys desperately wanted to go to the park and wanted me to take them to one dad
had taken them to. So as Nicholas
started to give me directions as we headed on our way, a sinking feeling took
over. Of course they wanted to go to
THAT park… THAT park that I have so successfully avoided because THAT HOUSE
sits directly across the street.
I
knew I was going to have to make a decision very quickly… come up with some
quick excuse why we couldn't go there… or… face the fear, trauma, and memory which
to that day I hadn't been able to do.
As
we pulled into the park I started to sweat, shake, feel nauseous and I’m sure
looked like I was going to be sick because Nicholas said to me “mom are you ok?” I nodded and quickly corralled the kids out
of the car and toward the playground. I
put in my headphones hoping that the distraction of music would help me in conquering
what was starting to feel like a mountain I wasn't prepared to climb.
Taking
deep breaths I found a spot under a tree facing THAT HOUSE and closed my eyes
as an eerie version of Lord Byron’s “She Walks in Beauty” (which happens to be
one of my favorites) filled my ears.
I wish I could tell
you that I was instantly “healed” or that all of my anxiety went away and I’m a
changed woman.
I can’t.
But what I can tell you is… something about
that song, at that place, on that day, at that time… brought me peace. It wasn't surreal, it wasn't profound… but it
was peace.
Will I still probably avoid
that park… yes... (thankfully they both decided there were other more fun parks
to play at…. With very “little prompting” from me J)
And when we got in
the car… THAT HOUSE just looked sad, and found a place in my memory that no
longer claims something over me outwardly.
She walks in beauty, like
the night
Of cloudless climes and
starry skies;
And all that’s best of
dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and
her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that
tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day
denies.
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