Expectation

"My white knight, not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings

Just someone to love me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things. 

My white knight who knew what my heart would say if it only knew how."

-The Music Man

When I was a little girl one of my favorite things to play was "Bride."  I would prance around the house in dress up clothes, dancing and singing as if it was my wedding day. I had my wedding planned out down to the perfect song and type of cake and I just knew that it was going to be that way.  I was sure that that was my destiny.  I was going to get married, have children, cook, clean and do all of the things that my mom did. I never had any aspiration of being anything "Great." I'm sure most girls at some point in their childhood dream of their wedding day.  The dream of their white knight that comes to sweep them off into the sunset and that they'll live happily ever after (Well done Hollywood for filling our heads with the notion that nothing is impossible if we just believe).

I thought that I knew what marriage was... the picture that I had created in my head was one of romance, laughter, fun, excitement and adventure.  Even as an adult as I faced the cruel reality of natural consequences and growth, there was part of me that clung to the idea that when my knight came along all would be right with the world.  Even though I wasn't convinced that there would be a knight for me (I'm a difficult person, ambitious, a pot-stirrer and not often content to stay in one place long) I had a fairy tale idea of what it would be like.  While often that hope was smashed with worldly reality, the little girl in me held on strong.

When I met Jeff, I wasn't instantly swept off my feet... but he was funny, and smart... and bless his heart he took me on our second date to see Emma at the State Theater (which is one of my favorite movies) AND he laughed in all of the right places... He got it.  He was funny, he had plans, things he wanted to do and places he wanted to go.  He shared my foodie love and enjoyment of really ridiculous banter.  Maybe my idea of what my knight would be like had finally found me. I've never considered myself an insecure person... but my track record in relationships wasn't great so I grabbed on, held on for dear life and pushed forward at mach speed. (Similar to a dog sticking it's head out of the window in a moving car... hold on baby here we go).  We got engaged quickly (another something I pushed for... so much so that I didn't get to enjoy the anticipation of allowing him to plan and execute in his own way... I made it happen my way because I didn't want to wait in case it might not be real) and the little girl inside of me came to the forefront as planning began. As our wedding drew closer I conveniently avoided the little things that started to surface as possible warnings that this might not be the right path because I was convinced that this was my fairy tale and that this would probably be the only chance I'd get.

The day finally came and everything went exactly how I imagined it would.  It was beautiful... and I thought that I had finally arrived.

I wish I could tell you that that very perfect day continued into a long successful, happy, healthy and "fairy-talesque" marriage...But it didn't.  I became acutely aware that my fascination with marriage and my expectations of what marriage would be like were so very wrong.  It wasn't anything like it was in the movies that I poured my heart into as a young girl.

Marriage was hard... Trusting someone completely to make decisions that affected my well-being, taking on their pain while shouldering my own, accepting their flaws while facing my own was something I was never prepared for.

There were many days where I wasn't sure if maybe something in me was broken, or wrong... how could something I had dreamed about for so long be so wrong.. be so painful... be something that I grew to hate. The ugliness set in along with anger and bitterness.  Why was this happening to me... where did I fail so badly that this is what I deserved?
I'm aware that my experience in marriage was extreme... that as I faced separation and finally divorce, the extenuating circumstances go far beyond what most people encounter in marriage. I often pondered whether if I had different expectations... would my marriage have been different? Probably... would it still have ended? Probably, that was something that was beyond me.  But that fairy tale idea that I had of what it SHOULD be is now gone.

As I look to move forward in my life as what would be my fourth anniversary draws near, I have a new outlook on love but more so... on life.  While I'm not sure if marriage will be in the cards for me again, I am sure of who I am, of where I'm going and that there is something more than "great" in-store for me. My purpose, my identity, is no longer tied up in that fairy tale of who a woman should be, nor is it caught in the Hollywood version of what an ideal woman is.

I am unique.. I am beautiful... I have a lot to offer... and maybe someday... just maybe...

"My white knight, not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings

Just someone to love me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things. 

My white knight who knew what my heart would say if it only knew how."