Crash

The theory is that certain events can altar your course for the rest of your life.  Some are positive events: graduating from college, getting married, having children, finding the perfect pair of shoes...  Those types of things usually make your life better, happier, on the course for success.

And then there are the events that are not positive.  For some they're tragic, things like death, rape, job loss,  addiction and so much more.  Those are the types of things that altar your life in a way that some say "you can never come back the same from."

Nine months ago, my life was significantly altered due to a car accident.  As someone who has dealt with PTSD most of my adult life, I'm no stranger to nightmares, paranoia, insomnia, and many of the other things that PTSD brings with it.  But I never thought that something as small as a car accident which lead to a serious concussion could make me any more "ridiculous" as I so affectionately refer to it as.  Having been diagnosed with PTCD (Post traumatic concussive disorder)... did you know that's a real thing!?! I didn't..... but I digress.  I have become increasingly aware over the last couple of months of how significantly it has impacted my life.  Aside from the stabbing headaches, the nausea, the significant amount of pain that I live with on a daily basis, but more than all of those is how it has affected me mentally.  

First of all.. my boyfriend should be nominated for sainthood... I'm not even joking.  He walks through each of my meltdowns like a champ and still comes out at the end telling me he loves me, a love I very much don't deserve some days....  again I digress....

What is it like?

Most days I feel like I'm watching a much slower version of myself.  I can tell that I'm different.  I used to be incredibly quick-witted, driven, going a mile a minute (granted that is not always healthy) and I had plans, goals and a course set for my life.  I was stable emotionally, my boat was rarely rocked.  

However, since my accident, I have become an emotional basket case so to speak.  And I wish I could know exactly when the "episodes" were going to hit, or that they had a tell so that I could warn people... "watch out... here comes the ridiculousness." It's as if instantly, I go from a relatively normal, fun, rational person to a puddle of mud.  And of course to make it worse... I KNOW I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.  But now, I have these moments, where I go from a rational person to a person I can't even recognize.  

Then comes the crying... I HATE CRYING! and goodness if I told you how many times I've cried in the last month... those of you that know me well would be shocked.  Because if you know me at all, you know that I hate crying and I refuse to do it in front of people.  One of my many hang ups of being Type A.  I never want to appear weak to anyone.  to me... crying was a sign of weakness for a long time.  (Now I must say that I have found growth in that area... don't get all excited... I haven't had THAT much growth)....

There are many times where I don't even recognize me.  Whether I'm having a meltdown or sometimes just having a "normal" day, I don't recognize the person I'm watching live my life.  The desperate search for purpose that is attainable (because I can't do things the way I used to anymore... yes I know.. those of you who know me are going.. "that's probably not a bad thing") to wishing I could get through just one day and be happy about who I am now.  It's been beyond devastating.... knowing that I'm forever changed, and desperately trying to find a way to come to terms with that and accepts it for what it is.

Today was a perfect example.  I woke up and felt great! Very little pain, a positive outlook, and so I seized the day.. I got a hair cut, a mani/pedi, actually smiled at people, had energy... I felt like my old self.... bought a new pair of jeans (wohoooo I went down yet another size... a reason to celebrate in my books)got dressed up and went to dinner with my guy and some new friends... (I did mention he should be nominated for sainthood right... you'll understand why in a moment)... went to surprise my dear friend for her birthday.... and then.... all of the sudden... there it was.... the ridiculousness.  Rearing it's ugly head like Medusa... (again if you know me, you know how much I HATE snakes)... but there they were... writhing their way through my brain pulling bits of pieces from the day that in NO WAY had anything to do with each other and putting them together in a stream of crazy that caused me once again to melt down into a person I didn't even recognize.  And again.. .the worst part is knowing that I'm being ridiculous,  knowing that I can't control it, and not being able to stop it....  it goes something like this:

You said my hair was poofy, you told me to go hang out with my friends, that means you don't want me around, you said you were feeling off, that must be my fault, maybe I'm not pretty enough to go out with me, what's wrong with you of course he wants to spend time with you, why couldn't he have said I looked nice, man my head hurts, he's never going to want to stay with someone like you, you're a mess, you aren't good enough, you're a shell of who you used to be, gosh this medicine gives me dry mouth, why are you letting this bother you,....and so on and so forth.
And that is on a good day... there are some days where just getting out of bed and going through the daily motions take every ounce of energy I possibly have.  Often, my ability to focus, process details and basically do all of the things I used to do with no problem, is significantly less, if at all.

I wish I could say that I have faith it will get better and that I will go back to how I remember me being.... I'd like to have that.  I certainly hope it doesn't get worse... But I am forever changed.  I'm still learning how to accept that.  Most days, it's quite depressing.  I refuse to accept that I'll always have to deal with this.  I want to go back to how I used to be. I've endured my fair share of hardship in life. and I must say, this is by far the worst in many ways.  I know there's a silver lining... I just haven't found it yet.

So, for those of you who encounter my "ridiculousness" please know, I know it's crazy, I know it makes no sense.. and if I could stop it... I most certainly would.  I'm trying.. I'll get through it.  It's totally ALL ME and not you. I'm sorry for it, and I'm trying.  

Can you see me?

Can you see me?
I'm standing right in front of you.
You see my smile and my laugh.
You see what I want you to see.
What you see is not me.

Can you see me?
Crouching in the corner.
Shielding my face so you can't see the tears I've cried.
Covered in dark cloth trying to hide the scars.
What you see is not me.

Can you see me?
Shedding tears of blood for all the pain I've seen.
Slowly fading away into the abyss.
It's safer there I think.
What you see is not me.

Can you see me?
Screaming out "don't leave me alone"
I need you here with me.
Please stay here with me, but you're already gone.
What you see is not me.

Can you see me?
Holding the blade so tight to my skin.
Anticipation builds as it finally sinks in.
A slow release.
What you see is not me.

Can you see me?
They've pumped me full of drugs "to keep me safe"
They say "you'll be better now"
But they can't see what you did to me.
What they see is not me.

Can you see me?
I've died on the inside.
My body is a shell that keeps breathing.
You took the rest from me
What you see is not me.

Can you see me?
I'm standing right in front of you.
What you see is not me.
Why can't you see me?
I can't see me

• Each year, 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self injury
• 90 percent of people who engage in self harm begin during their teen or pre-adolescent years
• Nearly 50 percent of those who engage in self injury activities have been sexually abused
• Females comprise 60 percent of those who engage in self injurious behavior
• About 50 percent of those who engage in self mutilation begin around age 14 and carry on into their 20s
• Many of those who self injure report learning how to do so from friends or pro self injury websites
• Approximately two million cases are reported annually in the U.S.

Some thoughts on my children.... and to the woman who will help raise my boy

I love being a mom.   There is little that brings more joy to my face than spending time with my boys and watching them grow, learn, experience new things and become the young men that they are destined to be.

Often I identify with failure when it comes to my parenting.  My boys are being raised in a split household, I'm not always as patient and understanding as I would like to be, and I work... a lot... to make sure that I can provide for them. If you're a single parent, I'm sure you can identify with that feeling.  But then I remind myself of the perks... my kids aren't in jail... yet... they like spending time with me... most of the time... and we aren't living on the street, we are well provided for, and we love each other.

As a mom, I want nothing more than the very best for my children.  I want them to always feel loved, accepted for who they are, and never feel responsible for this mess that we have them caught in.  Divorce is an incredibly hard thing for children. And I'm sure, that no matter how many times I tell them, it's not your fault, there will be part of them that always wonders... was it my fault?

The tricky thing about being a single mom raising boys is.... BOYS ARE GROSS! and.... THEY MAKE NO SENSE! I'm sure you could say the same thing about raising girls... but since I'm raising boys, well, you get my point. My boys are quite different in personality which makes parenting them an adventure.  

Let me tell you about them.

Nicholas is a very kind and loving boy.  He thrives on one-on-one time and encouraging words.  Nicholas is very sensitive to things going on around him and wants to do everything he can to be helpful.  Last winter, when he saw that the man snow blowing our drive way also went to do several of the neighbors, his immediate response was to go get the shovel and make it his responsibility to shovel the side walk. He can tell when I'm not feeling well often before even I can.  He gets up with his brother on days when I'm struggling and makes them breakfast and keeps him occupied so that I can get a few more moments of precious sleep.Nicholas is a dreamer, he loves to imagine things, paint them, he definitely has inherited my artistic brain. Nicholas wants everyone to feel accepted all the time and struggles when he doesn't feel like he fits in, OR, when he feels like someone is being left out. Nicholas is very emotional and often is WAY MORE emotionally charged than I am. When I think of Nicholas as an adult, I see him in a helping profession.  Perhaps a counselor, or the head of a non profit teaching kids to cook, or working with kids with special needs.  Nicholas thrives on helping others. All who encounter Nicholas quickly love him deeply and feel his love for them.

Then there's Alexander.  Alexander very much has my Type A personality.  He is incredibly dominant, physical, and All Boy if you catch my drift.  He can negotiate his way into, or out of most things. especially time outs... at 3! He talks... ALL THE TIME... and remembers the funniest things like the line "My fists thirst for vengeance"  (a line from Kung Fu Panda) that sends us all into stitches as he runs through the house yelling it.  Alexander is very affectionate.  He loves to snuggle, kiss, hug, anything he can do where he's practically on top of you to be close.  As his little personality develops it's become quite clear that Alexander is going to be my bold world changer.  Potential careers for Alexander: A lawyer, a judge, a politician... or quite possibly, the president.  There is no doubt in my mind that Alexander will take the world head on and turn it completely inside out. 

I've also been very blessed to enter the lives of three other beautiful children who each bring something dynamic to the family. Let me introduce them to you briefly... 

Meet Olivia.  Olivia is blossoming into a beautiful young woman both physically and emotionally. She is incredibly bright and carries a passion for causes that many should be envious of.  While she is embracing teenager-hood (yes, I made that up) head on, it's quite clear that whatever Olivia decides to do in the future will be big.  She has the potential to make a HUGE difference in whatever area she decides to take on.  Olivia thrives on one-on-one time and lights up when you acknowledge that she's done something well.  A champion debater with a quick wit, Olivia enjoys bantering back and forth on almost anything.  She feels deeply, and loves deeply.  She is simply stunning.

Emma quickly captures your heart with her quirky personality and charm.  She is energetic and outgoing.  She can bring a smile to your face in an instant.  Emma is an includer, she never wants anyone to feel left out. Emma has the drive to tackle anything she wants and succeed.  Emma carries the burden of others. She is kind, intelligent, and is searching for her place in life.  As she starts to develop into a young woman, it's extremely exciting to see what things capture her heart and desires. Emma will be the one to make a huge impact in a quiet way.

Then there's Abraham.  Abe is ready to take the bull by the horns and defeat it.  At 5, Abe is bold, precocious, and has a knack for creating things.  A quick thinker, he thrives on being close to you, whether it be sitting next to him while he shows you the latest move on his game, or showing you the new karate moves in the living room.  Abe is also All Boy and there is no doubt in my mind that as he blossoms into a young man he will be able to succeed at anything he puts his hands to. After he rebuilds it and re-purposes it of course. 

As I've stepped into the roll of... well.. I'm not actually sure what you would call it. Anyway... as I open up my heart and family to these wonderful additions, it's caused me to do some thinking about the woman who will potentially enter my children's lives in a similar capacity as I have to Olivia, Emma and Abraham. And so in that thinking, I have a few words for her.

To the Woman who will help to raise my boys,

Thank you for being willing to step in and love my boys when they aren't with me.  Know that you are being given the extraordinary privilege of knowing them... and that in and of itself is HUGE.  

Some things you should know about my boys.

Nicholas loves BIG. When he opens his heart to you, know that you have been invited into a very beautiful space.  Know that he loves deeply and will love with grace and understanding.  You will not find a more loyal and faithful child than Nicholas. But encourage him to be a child.  Encourage him to grow and try new things even when he hesitates.  Nicholas will treat you with a tender kindness that is beyond his years.  He will cherish you.  Treat his heart with kindness.  Love him gently, in good and bad times.

Alexander can be a handful. His enthusiasm for new and exciting things, (and probably multiple trips to the ER for broken bones and bumps) will keep you on your toes. Have patience with him, kindle the fire for greatness and he will bring you great pride and joy.  Snuggle him... a lot! He will feel closest to you when he can FEEL you.  Challenge his thinking, push him to take on the world with integrity. Experience with him all of the greatness he brings to you and you will earn a place in his heart.

I know that loving and helping to raise the sons of someone else is extremely challenging at times.  It's hard to find your place.  Know this... If you love my sons and see the beauty in them that I see, your place will be easy to find.   I truly believe that you can never have too many people that love your children. And while the situation may seem difficult and the number of stones that have been thrown from side to side is great, Jeff and I agree on one main thing.  Our children are our priority and we would do anything for them.  Treat their hearts with care as you would your own. Be honored when they come to you with their troubles and their joys.  Celebrate with them, for they are to be delighted in.  You have been given an extreme honor, and I am glad to be able to share my beautiful boys with you.  Thank you for loving them.  I know they will change you as they have changed me.  

Welcome to the journey.

-Charissa

Changes

It's been awhile since I've had the desire to blog... I've had a lot to say, but sometimes, just because I've had things to say doesn't mean it's the time to say them.   I've decided that now is the time to say them.

So... an overview on the last... 6 months or so.

July 2015:
With July came beautiful weather, lots of beach days to fill in the the times when I wasn't working at Single MOMM. Single MOMM was focusing on planning for the upcoming year while trying to get the ReVIVE program ready for it's official launch AND planning for Blue Jeans & Pearls was well under way including applications and interviews for the candidates of the scholarship for those who had completed ReVIVE.  This was a really unique process where we actually got to see on paper how each woman felt their life had been impacted by their time in group and where they felt they had the most personal growth.  As someone who is sometimes is frustrated because "growth" can't always be seen... it was incredibly encouraging to be able to read the about the growth each woman found. It made me very excited to prepare for the next round of group with a renewed enthusiasm for the program and all of the brain energy it sucked from me.

July 30,2015 I was on my way to have ice cream with a man (whom little did I know would capture my heart in the many months to come) I was in a severe head on car accident.  After seeing my car shortly after the accident, I was fortunate to walk away with the injuries I did.  A severe concussion, bruised chest and sternum, and a banged up knee.  These injuries caused me to slow WAY down. .. including several weeks off from work. If you know me at all... you know that I don't accept help well from others... but the injuries left me unable to drive and really do much more than sit on my couch (or the beach in most cases) and many loved ones came to my rescue.

August 2015:
As I spent lots of time sleeping in the first few weeks of August so that my brain could heal, I was able to spend a significant amount of time in personal reflection and examination of my life.  It became apparent that I was still struggling with some co-dependent tendencies that I was allowing to dictate ALL areas of my life. I never realized that while I've always considered myself incredibly independent... I was terribly afraid to make decisions on my own without the endorsement or approval of those I confided in... and for the last several months those people had included my boss and co-workers.  I made the decision that in going forward, I needed to focus more on living my life on my terms, well on God's terms, and stop seeking the approval of others.  This was going to be a challenge for sure!

The middle of August brought the time for me to return to work.  However, much to my sadness, Single MOMM had come to the conclusion that we were no longer a good match.  This left me at quite a crossroad. While I desperately needed the time to refresh and find my love for the job again, I didn't feel that my time with the women I worked with was supposed to be over yet.  Unfortunately, that was no longer my decision. For the next several weeks, I worked through a lot of sadness, frustration, and then needing to mend the hearts of those who were also quite saddened by the news.  This was challenging. Lots of tears were shed during this time.

While normally my first instinct would be to go out and get any job that I could... I felt that I was supposed to wait and spend some time healing and rejuvenating rather than rushing into a job. Again.. this was not something I was overjoyed about.. but I knew that in order to find the next step for me... I would need to be healed and well rested.

September-December 2015:
Remember the ice cream guy from before? Turns out he's pretty spectacular. Nothing like meeting someone in a neck brace and a hospital gown for the first time to make a SMASHING impression  He brought many things to the table including holding me to my word of not picking up just any job. UGH! He has endured my many melt downs, encouraged me, challenged me, and loved me in all of my glorious mess. He might need to be a whole separate blog. Stay tuned for that one. :)

Nicholas started his last year of elementary school and quickly  fell into the school routine happy to be with his friends again.  Alexander continued at Angel Care and in all of his 3 year old glory continues to capture the hearts of his teachers.  It always amazes me how opposite the boys are. They are adjusting to the co-parenting schedule relatively well and look forward to time with dad as much as time with mom.

Things at church proved to be challenging, and as I did some consulting for them, it became clear that some significant changes needed to occur, and that some of those changes were going to be quite painful.  This brought many more tears.

December 2015:
December brought with is a temporary job at Grace Episcopal Church and a time of significant personal healing. I definitely think that I've found some peace and freedom in the many changes that have occurred this last year.  From divorce to job loss, car accident to new relationship, relational loss to relational gain. Holy changes batman! And that peace would not have been possible without the help and support of many of you... new friends and old. The holiday season brought with it a new challenge as this would be my first Christmas without the boys home. That combined with more family stuff left me feeling tired and overwhelmed.  Not a good combination when you're recently recovering from a head injury.

January 2016:
After a crazy holiday season, I'm thankful for some quiet, and yes, snow.  Nicholas has joined a ski association this winter in hopes of doing some racing and I am so proud at how he has taken to not only the demanding practice schedule, but there's a twinkle in his eye when he talks about skiing that has been missing for quite awhile.

January also brought with it a second concussion as I took a cement step to the back of the head.  For those of you who are chuckling at this point because you know my history with falls, and clumsiness.. I WANT A
SPARKLY  PURPLE HELMET! The aggravation of the old injury has brought new challenges including horrible headaches, poor sleep and vision troubles.  I for see lots of needed rest in the future as my brain tries yet again to recover.  Seriously...  I probably should look into living in a bubble.

January also brought the resignation of the Pastor at the church who, along with his wife had become dear friends.  The sadness that came with that also brought disappointment in the way the event was handled.  This will put the church in a precarious position as we move forward as the need for relational healing and accountability is HUGE in order for us to succeed.

I am continuing to enjoy my day job at Grace Episcopal and have been welcomed with very open arms.  While I am only there for a short time as they experience transition, I know that it will be a rewarding time.

While I still am quite unsure of what my future holds... it's looking bright and I am excited for the many opportunities that have yet to unfold.  Ya never know what I'll end up doing next... maybe I'll pursue my childhood dream of running for president... ok well maybe not... but it will be big.. so stay tuned.

Ardent

 having, expressive of, or characterizedby intense feeling; passionate; fervent:

an ardent vow; ardent love.

Having recently been in a bad automobile accident I've had a lot of time to think... Maybe too much time to think (for those of you who know me... Stop nodding) 

Due to my current limitations I've been unable to do many of the things if not most of the things I did before on a daily basis. Work (a few different jobs), cook, clean, care for my children... I'm not even supposed to drive.  To say that I need to rely on others to help is an understatement... And one that I've always had trouble with. (Stop nodding!) 

So... Instead... I've spent a fair amount of time zoning out in front of my television attempting to watch movies that I usually end up falling asleep to. The main theme in most of the chick flicks (they're the easiest to zone out to) is finding the "perfect guy"... Or manipulating a man into being that "perfect guy." 

Meghan Trainor's most recent hit "Dear Future Husband" in a satirical way lists out demands if you will that our culture has adapted as acceptable standards for this "perfect guy" that we are all looking for. Things like:

"Take me on a date

I deserve it, babe

And don't forget the flowers every anniversary

'Cause if you'll treat me right

I'll be the perfect wife

Buying groceries

Buy-buying what you need"

A laundry list of expectations and promises... Which got me thinking. What would I say to my future husband (if there is one out there) and here's what I came up with:

For you,

I wish that I could give you the unscarred, less jaded version of me... Unfortunately, I can't. I can't say that you'll be my first love.... But you will be my last. 

I can't promise you a fairy tale or a whirlwind romance. But I can promise you faithfulness, unwavering loyalty and honesty.  To accept and respect you for all of who you are and not to hold back all of who I am.

I will always be here to support and encourage you, I will always have your back (even when I disagree... Which is bound to happen (stop nodding!)) to encourage you in your dreams, to push you forward or catch you when you fall. 

 

I promise to touch you every day, and make sure that you don't go to bed without knowing how much I love you.  To love, nurture and desire you with all that I have. 

To hear who you are, to see who you are, to share my heart with you and treasure yours.

To pray with you, to seek His direction with you. To adventure with you, seek new horizons and experience new things. 

To love you... Most ardently (thanks Mr. Darcy) and to be worthy of that love in return.  These things. I promise to you. 

Always yours. 

Words

I grew up in a family where words were very important.  Whether they were encouraging words, stern words, or just being able to use our voices, we were taught at an early age to speak for ourselves.  We always ordered our own food when we went to dinner, we were encouraged to share our feelings and it should come as no surprise that word games in our house were big.

My brother and I learned at an early age that if we really wanted something.. .I mean  REALLY wanted something… if we wrote a letter we were more likely to get what we wanted.  We would put our heads together and compose ridiculously flattering letters to our parents with phrases like “Oh Emperor of the seas.... Empress of the lands…” with as many descriptive words as our vocabularies would allow.  (In fact I’m pretty sure my dad has a few of these letters saved…) but my parents always knew when they got a letter that we were asking for something… sometimes small… but usually something we weren’t normally allowed to do.  In fact… I can remember as an adult wanting to borrow a car from my parents for a trip and calling my brother to have him help me write a letter… (yes they let me borrow the car). 

Phrases like “your vocabulary is too categorical for my diminutive intellect to comprehend” became jokes in my family. My brother and I would have contests to see who knew the longest word… he still maintains that “antidisestablishmentarianism” was the biggest word (right Dan?).  However, also as I grew up… when we were punished, it was often by writing out Proverbs like “reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”… yea I may have written that one a lot.

As I’ve become and adult, I’ve tried to instill those same values into my children. If you’ve ever been out to eat with us, they order for themselves and speak clearly so that they are understood.  In my home, they speak for themselves and are encouraged to share how they’re feeling even if they think I won’t like what they have to say.  To me… words are very important.

There’s a line from my favorite movie that says:

 “Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret, hateful parts - your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and moving on, you zing them. "Hello, it's Mr Nasty." …. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you? And then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time, and we'd both be happy. But then, on the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.” (Joe Fox, You’ve Got Mail)

Something I’ve striven for as an adult is to have less zingers. To think before I respond… to be quick to listen and slow to speak.   I’m someone who has wounded many with my words in my life… and have been wounded by other’s words as well.  To this day I hear over and over in my head “you will never be a good mother, you’re not wired for it…” … I fight those words daily.

In my job, I work hard to listen first and speak second… or for that matter sometimes not speak at all. In my friendships is where this is the hardest.  Often times when in conflict I’m quick to speak and slow to think. (but, really aren’t we all) Often, I’ve learned to put things in letters, because then I can read, and edit, and read and edit and repeat… so that I make sure I’m not saying things that I will regret in the heat of the moment.  I don’t want to regret my words, because I can’t take them back.

If you know me now and knew me several years ago, you’ll know that this is something I’ve worked a lot on.  Hopefully, you’ve noticed a change…

 So where do you fall on the line? Are you someone who doesn’t use their voice at all? Are you someone who zings people? Have you mastered this and sit in between? (if so… let’s have coffee and teach me your ways)…

Words are important to me… Words have hurt me more than almost anything else in my life.  I know I’ve hurt people with words… Do you pay attention to your words? Do you hurt people with your words?

Words… such a small thing that can be so big.

Tribute

I can remember it like it was yesterday... my mom came home from 4-H with my sister and said... "I've arranged for you to get together with Paula's daughter" .... I can remember thinking... are you kidding me! I don't need my mother arranging play dates for me.. I'm practically an adult (okay well I was a sophomore)... but nonetheless I agreed to go. We agreed to go to Amical for dessert (this became our favorite dessert spot and I still go there in honor of her now) and Horizon Books for coffee... When I got there to pick her up I couldn't believe that my mom thought I could actually have something in common with this girl.  I was a musical nerd, girly, and of course boy crazy... she was into horses, painting, well and boys... the only redeeming quality was that we both wore flip flops.  Little did I know that she would end up being my best friend for several years.

Our friendship blossomed that summer and we were soon inseparable.... If we weren't in school or working we could be found 'cruisin' the strip (yes that's just driving up and down front street blaring our music so loud all we did was laugh)... I can still remember the first time we pulled over to talk to boys... You would have thought she was going to die... she was SO RED! AND we were driving my mom's car (yea sorry mom) and it had a car seat in the backseat (real cool!) and when they asked us if we had kids we laughed so long and so hard that we had to pull away and then pull over to get it back together.  We had our own bench... one that we claimed downtown as ours... (yes another way to talk to boys.. we were young!) and sometimes when I miss her so much that it hurts I go and sit on our bench.

She lived for twilight shows and of course the fair... we even ran for fair queen together... her talent was making a french silk pie (to this day still my favorite) for the judges... barn chores, picking out the cute wanna be cow boys... and of course the 4-H dance that she always dragged me to... oh did she love to dance... Remember Brianne.... "I'm a choreographer"... best pick-up line at a dance club (gentlemen take note... DO NOT USE THAT LINE .... IT DOESN'T WORK)

We used to go to get ice cream and she would order a side of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a side of Whipped Cream... and if she was feeling really adventurous she would add Cookie Dough... We laughed every time... oh and she loved strawberries... and Strawberry Shortcake... ya know the little doll that has strawberry everything.

I remember her having to have her jaw wired shut for what seemed like FOREVER (I'm sure it felt even longer to her) and we used to sit while she was half with it watching every chick flick we could find and reading trashy girly magazines...

We loved road trips... we usually would drag Grace along and stop and take random pictures along the way, whether it was going downstate to Grandma's or just on some wild adventure that day. She hated the way I drove. Might be because I almost killed us the first time we ever hung out... but in my defense.. it was snowy, and icy.. and their driveway sometimes was a nightmare.

We had more inside jokes than you could even imagine.... "no sour cream or tomatoes" still makes me laugh to this day.  Going through the drive through of Wendy's at night and talking to the automated machine for quite sometime before we realized they were actually closed. She washed the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.  She hated when I used to watch her put on mascara, especially when she used the eye lash curler..

I took her to her first party... I told her... "when you walk through the door they'll hand you a beer... just conveniently put it down somewhere and they'll never notice".. I don't think she believed me... Sure enough... that's exactly what happened...

Oh did we love to laugh... but we also went through some very hard times together.Her parents divorce, my family chaos, our first boyfriends and break ups, the birth of my first child (she even came and stayed with me in the hospital)... her moving all over the globe pursuing her love for missions...

She had a gentle spirit, but a fiery attitude, she loved love, oh she laughed, and her smile, and crazy curly hair...  We used to spend hours just dreaming about our weddings, what our lives would be like as we got older...

She was one of my very best friends... and on days like today.. my heart aches missing her so badly..I can't sit and sort out my girl stuff with her, talk about cute boys, laugh about anything and everything. She'll never get to see my boys grow up, have a family of her own. All of those dreams of hers are gone. I still can't believe she's gone.

I thank God every day for having had her in my life... even if it was for way too short of a time.

One of the only songs she would sing at karaoke was from Coyote Ugly... and the words bring me to tears every time I hear them... I can hear her singing...

"And I don't like to turn the radio on 

Just to find I missed my favorite song 

And I don't like to be the last with the news 

But I do love you " 

You are forever in my heart my dear sweet friend.  I miss you every day... 

"I don't like to be alone in the night
And I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right 
And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes 
But I do love you 
But I do love you"