And then there are the events that are not positive. For some they're tragic, things like death, rape, job loss, addiction and so much more. Those are the types of things that altar your life in a way that some say "you can never come back the same from."
Nine months ago, my life was significantly altered due to a car accident. As someone who has dealt with PTSD most of my adult life, I'm no stranger to nightmares, paranoia, insomnia, and many of the other things that PTSD brings with it. But I never thought that something as small as a car accident which lead to a serious concussion could make me any more "ridiculous" as I so affectionately refer to it as. Having been diagnosed with PTCD (Post traumatic concussive disorder)... did you know that's a real thing!?! I didn't..... but I digress. I have become increasingly aware over the last couple of months of how significantly it has impacted my life. Aside from the stabbing headaches, the nausea, the significant amount of pain that I live with on a daily basis, but more than all of those is how it has affected me mentally.
First of all.. my boyfriend should be nominated for sainthood... I'm not even joking. He walks through each of my meltdowns like a champ and still comes out at the end telling me he loves me, a love I very much don't deserve some days.... again I digress....
What is it like?
Most days I feel like I'm watching a much slower version of myself. I can tell that I'm different. I used to be incredibly quick-witted, driven, going a mile a minute (granted that is not always healthy) and I had plans, goals and a course set for my life. I was stable emotionally, my boat was rarely rocked.
However, since my accident, I have become an emotional basket case so to speak. And I wish I could know exactly when the "episodes" were going to hit, or that they had a tell so that I could warn people... "watch out... here comes the ridiculousness." It's as if instantly, I go from a relatively normal, fun, rational person to a puddle of mud. And of course to make it worse... I KNOW I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING. But now, I have these moments, where I go from a rational person to a person I can't even recognize.
Then comes the crying... I HATE CRYING! and goodness if I told you how many times I've cried in the last month... those of you that know me well would be shocked. Because if you know me at all, you know that I hate crying and I refuse to do it in front of people. One of my many hang ups of being Type A. I never want to appear weak to anyone. to me... crying was a sign of weakness for a long time. (Now I must say that I have found growth in that area... don't get all excited... I haven't had THAT much growth)....
There are many times where I don't even recognize me. Whether I'm having a meltdown or sometimes just having a "normal" day, I don't recognize the person I'm watching live my life. The desperate search for purpose that is attainable (because I can't do things the way I used to anymore... yes I know.. those of you who know me are going.. "that's probably not a bad thing") to wishing I could get through just one day and be happy about who I am now. It's been beyond devastating.... knowing that I'm forever changed, and desperately trying to find a way to come to terms with that and accepts it for what it is.
Today was a perfect example. I woke up and felt great! Very little pain, a positive outlook, and so I seized the day.. I got a hair cut, a mani/pedi, actually smiled at people, had energy... I felt like my old self.... bought a new pair of jeans (wohoooo I went down yet another size... a reason to celebrate in my books)got dressed up and went to dinner with my guy and some new friends... (I did mention he should be nominated for sainthood right... you'll understand why in a moment)... went to surprise my dear friend for her birthday.... and then.... all of the sudden... there it was.... the ridiculousness. Rearing it's ugly head like Medusa... (again if you know me, you know how much I HATE snakes)... but there they were... writhing their way through my brain pulling bits of pieces from the day that in NO WAY had anything to do with each other and putting them together in a stream of crazy that caused me once again to melt down into a person I didn't even recognize. And again.. .the worst part is knowing that I'm being ridiculous, knowing that I can't control it, and not being able to stop it.... it goes something like this:
You said my hair was poofy, you told me to go hang out with my friends, that means you don't want me around, you said you were feeling off, that must be my fault, maybe I'm not pretty enough to go out with me, what's wrong with you of course he wants to spend time with you, why couldn't he have said I looked nice, man my head hurts, he's never going to want to stay with someone like you, you're a mess, you aren't good enough, you're a shell of who you used to be, gosh this medicine gives me dry mouth, why are you letting this bother you,....and so on and so forth.
And that is on a good day... there are some days where just getting out of bed and going through the daily motions take every ounce of energy I possibly have. Often, my ability to focus, process details and basically do all of the things I used to do with no problem, is significantly less, if at all.
And that is on a good day... there are some days where just getting out of bed and going through the daily motions take every ounce of energy I possibly have. Often, my ability to focus, process details and basically do all of the things I used to do with no problem, is significantly less, if at all.
I wish I could say that I have faith it will get better and that I will go back to how I remember me being.... I'd like to have that. I certainly hope it doesn't get worse... But I am forever changed. I'm still learning how to accept that. Most days, it's quite depressing. I refuse to accept that I'll always have to deal with this. I want to go back to how I used to be. I've endured my fair share of hardship in life. and I must say, this is by far the worst in many ways. I know there's a silver lining... I just haven't found it yet.
So, for those of you who encounter my "ridiculousness" please know, I know it's crazy, I know it makes no sense.. and if I could stop it... I most certainly would. I'm trying.. I'll get through it. It's totally ALL ME and not you. I'm sorry for it, and I'm trying.
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