Contemplation

"You walked with me, footprints in the sand

And helped me understand where I'm going

You walked with me when I was all alone

With so much unknown along the way

Then I heard you say

I promise you, I'm always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I'll carry you when you need a friend

You'll find my footprints in the sand"

As I sit on the eve of what would have been my fourth anniversary I find myself in an emotional conflict.  While I am saddened that what was once something beautiful and amazing has ended; I'm also filled with relief, gratefulness, freedom and gratitude.  

You may be reading this for the first time and going "what the heck.... I had no idea she was divorced..." or if you're really out of touch it might be "what the heck she got married?!"  So... depending where you fall on the spectrum just try to stay with me... 

I've always been a very private person.. I don't like my life aired out for people to see... or read... However... in this season of change and growth personally I'm trying something new.  Thanks for joining in this journey with me.

I wish that I could tell you that my marriage ending was all his fault... but that would be unkind and not accurate.  We struggled... We struggled together and we struggled separately. At one point I was pretty convinced that it was all his fault.  He was the one with all of the problems...

Now as I look back and seek to move forward my view has changed... A LOT! So... on this would be anniversary I've decided to write a letter...  to anyone who maybe has been where I've been or might be headed there...

To the girl who is waiting to get married.... to the girl who sits waiting for her groom... 

Take heart, he will come... and he's worth the wait.  Don't hurry, don't rush.  Let him be the man... let him bring you flowers and open the door for you.  Being independent doesn't mean not allowing him to cherish you.  The men that we dream about in movies... they aren't real! They are women in a man's body.... Real men value honesty, integrity, hard work and chivalry.  Chivalry is not dead! but you have to be open to it.  No man that wants to rush to the alter (like after a few months... or weeks.. or even days) is really the right man for you. 

Be modest, treat yourself with great care and they will treat you that way. 

The one who will love you forever is willing to wait and take the time to study you, to know you for you, to accept you and all of your flaws and still love you endlessly. 

Wait for that man.  The one who delights in seeing you succeed and challenges you to be better.

To the woman who is married and hurting... to the woman who is divorced...

I'm so very sorry.  Know that my heart aches with you.  

It's ok! You aren't crazy! You get to choose how to move forward...

Maybe you... like me didn't wait for the right man.. you were caught up in a whirlwind romance...  or maybe it just didn't work out...or worried that no one would ever come along... or that you would never be good enough... 

YOU ARE!!!! You are beautiful... you are worth so much more... Whether you have the ability to save your marriage or it's already gone, you have the ability to save you! To find who you are and where you're headed.  To be the best woman that you can be! 

Find her! Find that woman.. and if you don't know how, call someone to help you.  

You may be lost now but you can be found. You are not alone! 

To the woman who married the love of their life, 

TEACH! Teach your sons to grow up to be men of good character, teach your daughters that their value is not tied to what man pays attention to them.  

Teach women that you know how to be loving and devoted wives, teach single women how to wait for the right man. 

Love your husband, cherish him, support him and challenge him to be the best man he can be. Let him love you, and challenge you... and don't punish him for your own insecurities. 

Learn from those who have set the path before you... you have so much to offer as a woman... you are beautiful, and valuable.

To Men...

If you strive to master the woman you love, know her beyond how she can even know herself, always study her and devote yourself only to her she will never leave you.  

I'm sorry that the world has provided so many distractions and has not allowed women to step into who they were created to be.  I'm sorry that with the click of a button you can briefly satisfy yourself rather than taking the time to woo and marry the woman who could be by your side forever.  I'm sorry that Hollywood has emasculated you to the point of making the "standards" impossible to live up to.  

Teach our young men to strive for these things:  Be strong, be chivalrous, be honest, be loyal, be loving and have integrity and you will be one worthy of honor and respect.

... from one who has been changed by love, loss, heartache and triumph... and the desire to be not only studied, but worthy of honor and respect.

Expectation

"My white knight, not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings

Just someone to love me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things. 

My white knight who knew what my heart would say if it only knew how."

-The Music Man

When I was a little girl one of my favorite things to play was "Bride."  I would prance around the house in dress up clothes, dancing and singing as if it was my wedding day. I had my wedding planned out down to the perfect song and type of cake and I just knew that it was going to be that way.  I was sure that that was my destiny.  I was going to get married, have children, cook, clean and do all of the things that my mom did. I never had any aspiration of being anything "Great." I'm sure most girls at some point in their childhood dream of their wedding day.  The dream of their white knight that comes to sweep them off into the sunset and that they'll live happily ever after (Well done Hollywood for filling our heads with the notion that nothing is impossible if we just believe).

I thought that I knew what marriage was... the picture that I had created in my head was one of romance, laughter, fun, excitement and adventure.  Even as an adult as I faced the cruel reality of natural consequences and growth, there was part of me that clung to the idea that when my knight came along all would be right with the world.  Even though I wasn't convinced that there would be a knight for me (I'm a difficult person, ambitious, a pot-stirrer and not often content to stay in one place long) I had a fairy tale idea of what it would be like.  While often that hope was smashed with worldly reality, the little girl in me held on strong.

When I met Jeff, I wasn't instantly swept off my feet... but he was funny, and smart... and bless his heart he took me on our second date to see Emma at the State Theater (which is one of my favorite movies) AND he laughed in all of the right places... He got it.  He was funny, he had plans, things he wanted to do and places he wanted to go.  He shared my foodie love and enjoyment of really ridiculous banter.  Maybe my idea of what my knight would be like had finally found me. I've never considered myself an insecure person... but my track record in relationships wasn't great so I grabbed on, held on for dear life and pushed forward at mach speed. (Similar to a dog sticking it's head out of the window in a moving car... hold on baby here we go).  We got engaged quickly (another something I pushed for... so much so that I didn't get to enjoy the anticipation of allowing him to plan and execute in his own way... I made it happen my way because I didn't want to wait in case it might not be real) and the little girl inside of me came to the forefront as planning began. As our wedding drew closer I conveniently avoided the little things that started to surface as possible warnings that this might not be the right path because I was convinced that this was my fairy tale and that this would probably be the only chance I'd get.

The day finally came and everything went exactly how I imagined it would.  It was beautiful... and I thought that I had finally arrived.

I wish I could tell you that that very perfect day continued into a long successful, happy, healthy and "fairy-talesque" marriage...But it didn't.  I became acutely aware that my fascination with marriage and my expectations of what marriage would be like were so very wrong.  It wasn't anything like it was in the movies that I poured my heart into as a young girl.

Marriage was hard... Trusting someone completely to make decisions that affected my well-being, taking on their pain while shouldering my own, accepting their flaws while facing my own was something I was never prepared for.

There were many days where I wasn't sure if maybe something in me was broken, or wrong... how could something I had dreamed about for so long be so wrong.. be so painful... be something that I grew to hate. The ugliness set in along with anger and bitterness.  Why was this happening to me... where did I fail so badly that this is what I deserved?
I'm aware that my experience in marriage was extreme... that as I faced separation and finally divorce, the extenuating circumstances go far beyond what most people encounter in marriage. I often pondered whether if I had different expectations... would my marriage have been different? Probably... would it still have ended? Probably, that was something that was beyond me.  But that fairy tale idea that I had of what it SHOULD be is now gone.

As I look to move forward in my life as what would be my fourth anniversary draws near, I have a new outlook on love but more so... on life.  While I'm not sure if marriage will be in the cards for me again, I am sure of who I am, of where I'm going and that there is something more than "great" in-store for me. My purpose, my identity, is no longer tied up in that fairy tale of who a woman should be, nor is it caught in the Hollywood version of what an ideal woman is.

I am unique.. I am beautiful... I have a lot to offer... and maybe someday... just maybe...

"My white knight, not a Lancelot, nor an angel with wings

Just someone to love me, who is not ashamed of a few nice things. 

My white knight who knew what my heart would say if it only knew how." 

Intention

So originally I wasn't going to blog about Mother's Day because everyone who blogs does... And then I overheard a comment this evening that changed my mind.

I work for an organization that works with single moms and so we make our event in May focused on celebrating them and showering them with extravagant love... Tonight I overheard a mom say... 

"I hate Mother's Day... What I wouldn't give for it to be just another day"

As my heart saddened at the words she spoke I realized that she had just verbalized my very thoughts.

Mother's Day signifies all of my short comings as a mom. On a day where we as mothers are supposed to feel loved and celebrated... I am made acutely aware that I'm alone... That my life hasn't turned in any way as I planned and that on top of that... My choices now affect two beautiful boys... To say that grief is overwhelming would be a gross understatement. 

Even now as I sit writing this I would much rather be in the corner... Rocking...  With chocolate... And maybe wine... Acutely aware that tomorrow I will slap on a smile and graciously accept all of the "Happy Mother's Day" comments and pretend to go unphased... 

But in the dark parts of my soul I will be screaming inside.."It's just not the same... You can't understand... Unless you feel like me" ... Which tonight I was reminded... Others do..

So when you encounter moms tomorrow.... Stay-at-home, working, married, single and any other type you can think of. Rather than wishing her a generic "Happy Mother's Day"... Let me challenge you to encourage her intentionally... Pick something you've seen her shine in and let her know how much you appreciate that instead. Because your words are important... Speak them with purpose rather than duty. 

Extinct

I want to preface this blog by saying that it is not warm and fuzzy, it’s not funny… but it’s me… and since this blog is about me… it’s what you’re getting this time…

Recently a video circulated Facebook in which a young man tells the story of encountering his rapist as “someone you might know” on Facebook.  He talks about the feeling of panic and trauma as he clicks on the profile where he instantly has access to personal details he didn't have before.  The pain that occurs as he sees that his life has continued on… that he is well-liked, and beyond that… they have friends in common. 

He then talks about the pain and judgement he received by friends, family, and even law enforcement when he revealed what had happened to him.  That ever so often question asked, “Why didn't you fight back?”  He concludes by saying that this is him fighting back.

I watched this video through tears as I recalled encountering my rapist on Facebook for the first time… and then seeing that several people who not only did I know, but knew well, were “friends” with him.  Once I got over the shock I pep talked myself back to … this doesn't define me…  I am not less of a person because of what happened… which worked fine….

Until last Sunday…

The boys desperately wanted to go to the park and wanted me to take them to one dad had taken them to.  So as Nicholas started to give me directions as we headed on our way, a sinking feeling took over.  Of course they wanted to go to THAT park… THAT park that I have so successfully avoided because THAT HOUSE sits directly across the street. 

I knew I was going to have to make a decision very quickly… come up with some quick excuse why we couldn't go there… or… face the fear, trauma, and memory which to that day I hadn't been able to do.

As we pulled into the park I started to sweat, shake, feel nauseous and I’m sure looked like I was going to be sick because Nicholas said to me “mom are you ok?”  I nodded and quickly corralled the kids out of the car and toward the playground.  I put in my headphones hoping that the distraction of music would help me in conquering what was starting to feel like a mountain I wasn't prepared to climb. 

Taking deep breaths I found a spot under a tree facing THAT HOUSE and closed my eyes as an eerie version of Lord Byron’s “She Walks in Beauty” (which happens to be one of my favorites) filled my ears.

I wish I could tell you that I was instantly “healed” or that all of my anxiety went away and I’m a changed woman.

  

I can’t. 

But what I can tell you is… something about that song, at that place, on that day, at that time… brought me peace.  It wasn't surreal, it wasn't profound… but it was peace.  

Will I still probably avoid that park… yes... (thankfully they both decided there were other more fun parks to play at…. With very “little prompting” from me J)

And when we got in the car… THAT HOUSE just looked sad, and found a place in my memory that no longer claims something over me outwardly. 

She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that’s best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes;

Thus mellowed to that tender light

Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73w3wWYjcDk)