Johnny

I remember very little about my early childhood. I have pieces of memories that are hard to fit together and most times I don't try. Those memories are dull, dark.. Almost gray if that makes sense.

But I have a few memories that are sharp, bright and vivid. Those are memories that are forever etched in my heart.

Johnny was born on July 4, and the entire pregnancy for my mom had been traumatic. (That's not really my story to tell) but I can say that... It was amazing that she survived it let alone delivered a living baby.

They were in the hospital the entire time Johnny was alive.  I was too young to understand what was happening. But I have a few memories from that time that always creep up this time of year.

I remember visiting my mom in the hospital. I remember her being so weak.

I remember the look of worry and concern on my dad's face, which seemed to take up permanent residence for several weeks.

I remember Danny and I trying to be as quiet as we could. We were both very afraid. We thought if we were very quiet maybe people wouldn't see us or how scared we were

I remember the tubes... there were lots of tubes. And the machine that he lived in. I remember taking the machine for a walk and being able to push it slowly down the hall of the hospital.

Then I remember crying... Not me crying... But my mom... She cried a lot.

I don't remember what it was like when Johnny died. I don't remember how they told us and actually I don't even remember if there was a service.

For what seemed  like a long time time, Fourth of July was a sad time in our house. My brother and I slowly learned that it was just best to keep that day as normal as possible and to be as well behaved as we could be. We knew it was hard for mom and dad.

Mom used to wear a locket for Johnny. I remember I found it once cleaning the bathroom after she thought she'd lost it.

Even now, twenty some years later... I still think about Johnny today. Not necessarily in a sad way, it's almost nostalgic now. But I still remember. I remember how the hospital sounded, how it smelled, how it looked.

My words to Johnny this year:

We never really got the chance to know you. Your traumatic entry into this world is forever etched in our minds. We wish we would have had more time, to know you, to love you, to be family together. I remember very little other than you being here... And then you were with us no longer. But you will always be our brother, and son. Our hearts miss you. And one day... We will know you again. A healthy you, a happy you. A whole you.