Bewail

Bewail: express great regret, disappointment, or bitterness over (something).

Mourn: feel regret or sadness about (the loss or disappearance of something).

For as long I can remember, one of the things I have cherished most, been most proud of, and relied on beyond almost all else… was my mind… my brain. I’ve always been quick to catch on, sharp, quick to come up with a response, and worked hard to further my intelligence whenever possible. 

You know the old saying, “an elephant never forgets?” well… Charissa never forgets.  I never needed to carry a calendar, put things in my phone, or write myself notes… My mind was a steel trap.

During my childhood, I was often rewarded for being intelligent.  In fact, in an attempt to help me raise funds for mission trips, I used to be rewarded monetarily for each A on my final two report cards.  $20 an A seemed like a fortune at that time so I worked even harder to make sure those last two marking periods were always my best.

I’ve written before about how important words are to me, about growing up in a family that highly valued extensive vocabulary.  Well the same went for intelligence.  Both my parents and my brother are far above “smart” and we have always taken pride in our intelligence.

I also have always been quite abstract when it comes to my process, thinking, and daily

living.  What does that mean exactly? It means this… while many people need someone to give them step by step directions, some of us prefer either no directions or only an initial concept… or even at times to be the ones that come up with the concept and pass it on to others.  OF course there is always an in between… but I very much fall in the concept creating category.  I have always been able to juggle many balls at one time without risk of dropping them. Again, something I’ve always taken pride in.

Why am I telling you all this?

I need to tell you about the different me.  The new me that I am not yet willing to accept as the permanent me.  The me that is struggling with something that I can’t control. (oh yea, along with all of those really great things came the “control freak” part of me also… wait… I still have that.. I digress)

As you know, I’m recovering (a year out almost) from a car accident that completely flipped my world upside down.  And if you’re anything L ike me, the thought, “Gosh shouldn’t she be better already” is going through your head; trust me, I echo your sentiment.  Unfortunately, there is very much about me that is different now. The best way for me to do it is to write two different letters and let you decide which category you fall into.

To those who knew me before,

I wish that you could see inside my head.  That you could feel how I feel so that I wouldn’t have to put words to it. Putting words to it makes it feel so much more… real… rather than just a figment of my imagination that will eventually fade away. Most of the time I feel crazy. It’s painful. I am painfully aware every day of my difference. I don’t get jokes anymore, (they often go right over my head). It takes me longer to process anything that’s said to me, so I am unable to make quick decisions or have those quick witty comebacks you’ve grown to love from me.  I don’t remember ANYTHING. I write everything down, and even then, I often need to be reminded. So if you’ve told me something important and I don’t remember, it’s not because I’m careless with your information from you or your heart, I honestly probably don’t remember.  I also am unable to follow conversations as quickly, which means that the glazed over dazed and confused look you often find on my face now is real. I have no clue what you just said to me.

However, probably the biggest change: I have trouble being grounded now, and providing grounding for anyone else.  I have trouble getting my bearings, finding and feeling secure. I feel like I’m standing on a wire that’s stretched out between two very tall buildings and with one little blow will topple over and go plundering to my death on the concrete below (graphic.. painful… it’s what I’m experiencing  daily).

This has come along with a significant amount of anxiety.  I struggle to go into crowds or places where there will be more than 3-4 people, especially alone.  I am less likely to go anywhere alone, and will often only go places when someone is accompanying me who I feel completely safe with. And by that I mean, someone who can read what’s happening by my body language and can quickly get me out of a situation if I start to become too overwhelmed.  Usually I just stay home. It doesn’t feel worth the risk.

I’m sure this is all very hard to imagine, especially about me. The outgoing, performing loving, karaoke singing, joke telling me.  Trust me, most days I can’t swallow it myself.  It makes me angry. Angry that in an instant, me… the me I know... the me you know… is changed.  And while I keep telling myself, it’s just a season.  The doctors keep saying, have grace, be easy on your brain, it needs to heal, it will heal.  I just don’t see it… not yet at least.  So I need all of you to see it for me.

I need you to see me.

To those who didn’t know me before,

When I tell you that I’m different now, that I don’t understand what’s going on; when I get frustrated easily, go from happy to solemn or crying at the drop of the hat. THAT IS NOT ME! When I say no to being invited places, or bail at the last minute… THAT IS NOT ME! I’m sure you’ve realized by reading my first part that I’m experiencing a lot of change. Change that not only did I not anticipate, but that I don’t know how to regulate.  You probably experience me as “normal” because you don’t know the me from before.  

My entire world has turned upside down. I’m learning how to adjust to that. But just as I feel I’m getting into a groove, something else changes, or something else that I rely on goes.  

You’ve probably seen me carrying around multiple packages of lined post-it notes or calendars. If you work with me, you’ve probably had a good chuckle at my “sticky note computer screen.” I know it seems funny, but in many ways, it is a cold daily reminder of an area that I am greatly lacking and adjusting to. Your grace and kindness is greatly appreciated.

To you all.

It may seem trivial to you. It may seem like a mountain out of a mole hill.  I strongly encourage you to think of something that you greatly depended again, and imagine it gone, or greatly damaged. How did it function then? How did you function with it? And, as much as I hate to say it, temporarily at least...  start seeing me that way. 

The real me is temporarily out of order.