Some thoughts on my children.... and to the woman who will help raise my boy

I love being a mom.   There is little that brings more joy to my face than spending time with my boys and watching them grow, learn, experience new things and become the young men that they are destined to be.

Often I identify with failure when it comes to my parenting.  My boys are being raised in a split household, I'm not always as patient and understanding as I would like to be, and I work... a lot... to make sure that I can provide for them. If you're a single parent, I'm sure you can identify with that feeling.  But then I remind myself of the perks... my kids aren't in jail... yet... they like spending time with me... most of the time... and we aren't living on the street, we are well provided for, and we love each other.

As a mom, I want nothing more than the very best for my children.  I want them to always feel loved, accepted for who they are, and never feel responsible for this mess that we have them caught in.  Divorce is an incredibly hard thing for children. And I'm sure, that no matter how many times I tell them, it's not your fault, there will be part of them that always wonders... was it my fault?

The tricky thing about being a single mom raising boys is.... BOYS ARE GROSS! and.... THEY MAKE NO SENSE! I'm sure you could say the same thing about raising girls... but since I'm raising boys, well, you get my point. My boys are quite different in personality which makes parenting them an adventure.  

Let me tell you about them.

Nicholas is a very kind and loving boy.  He thrives on one-on-one time and encouraging words.  Nicholas is very sensitive to things going on around him and wants to do everything he can to be helpful.  Last winter, when he saw that the man snow blowing our drive way also went to do several of the neighbors, his immediate response was to go get the shovel and make it his responsibility to shovel the side walk. He can tell when I'm not feeling well often before even I can.  He gets up with his brother on days when I'm struggling and makes them breakfast and keeps him occupied so that I can get a few more moments of precious sleep.Nicholas is a dreamer, he loves to imagine things, paint them, he definitely has inherited my artistic brain. Nicholas wants everyone to feel accepted all the time and struggles when he doesn't feel like he fits in, OR, when he feels like someone is being left out. Nicholas is very emotional and often is WAY MORE emotionally charged than I am. When I think of Nicholas as an adult, I see him in a helping profession.  Perhaps a counselor, or the head of a non profit teaching kids to cook, or working with kids with special needs.  Nicholas thrives on helping others. All who encounter Nicholas quickly love him deeply and feel his love for them.

Then there's Alexander.  Alexander very much has my Type A personality.  He is incredibly dominant, physical, and All Boy if you catch my drift.  He can negotiate his way into, or out of most things. especially time outs... at 3! He talks... ALL THE TIME... and remembers the funniest things like the line "My fists thirst for vengeance"  (a line from Kung Fu Panda) that sends us all into stitches as he runs through the house yelling it.  Alexander is very affectionate.  He loves to snuggle, kiss, hug, anything he can do where he's practically on top of you to be close.  As his little personality develops it's become quite clear that Alexander is going to be my bold world changer.  Potential careers for Alexander: A lawyer, a judge, a politician... or quite possibly, the president.  There is no doubt in my mind that Alexander will take the world head on and turn it completely inside out. 

I've also been very blessed to enter the lives of three other beautiful children who each bring something dynamic to the family. Let me introduce them to you briefly... 

Meet Olivia.  Olivia is blossoming into a beautiful young woman both physically and emotionally. She is incredibly bright and carries a passion for causes that many should be envious of.  While she is embracing teenager-hood (yes, I made that up) head on, it's quite clear that whatever Olivia decides to do in the future will be big.  She has the potential to make a HUGE difference in whatever area she decides to take on.  Olivia thrives on one-on-one time and lights up when you acknowledge that she's done something well.  A champion debater with a quick wit, Olivia enjoys bantering back and forth on almost anything.  She feels deeply, and loves deeply.  She is simply stunning.

Emma quickly captures your heart with her quirky personality and charm.  She is energetic and outgoing.  She can bring a smile to your face in an instant.  Emma is an includer, she never wants anyone to feel left out. Emma has the drive to tackle anything she wants and succeed.  Emma carries the burden of others. She is kind, intelligent, and is searching for her place in life.  As she starts to develop into a young woman, it's extremely exciting to see what things capture her heart and desires. Emma will be the one to make a huge impact in a quiet way.

Then there's Abraham.  Abe is ready to take the bull by the horns and defeat it.  At 5, Abe is bold, precocious, and has a knack for creating things.  A quick thinker, he thrives on being close to you, whether it be sitting next to him while he shows you the latest move on his game, or showing you the new karate moves in the living room.  Abe is also All Boy and there is no doubt in my mind that as he blossoms into a young man he will be able to succeed at anything he puts his hands to. After he rebuilds it and re-purposes it of course. 

As I've stepped into the roll of... well.. I'm not actually sure what you would call it. Anyway... as I open up my heart and family to these wonderful additions, it's caused me to do some thinking about the woman who will potentially enter my children's lives in a similar capacity as I have to Olivia, Emma and Abraham. And so in that thinking, I have a few words for her.

To the Woman who will help to raise my boys,

Thank you for being willing to step in and love my boys when they aren't with me.  Know that you are being given the extraordinary privilege of knowing them... and that in and of itself is HUGE.  

Some things you should know about my boys.

Nicholas loves BIG. When he opens his heart to you, know that you have been invited into a very beautiful space.  Know that he loves deeply and will love with grace and understanding.  You will not find a more loyal and faithful child than Nicholas. But encourage him to be a child.  Encourage him to grow and try new things even when he hesitates.  Nicholas will treat you with a tender kindness that is beyond his years.  He will cherish you.  Treat his heart with kindness.  Love him gently, in good and bad times.

Alexander can be a handful. His enthusiasm for new and exciting things, (and probably multiple trips to the ER for broken bones and bumps) will keep you on your toes. Have patience with him, kindle the fire for greatness and he will bring you great pride and joy.  Snuggle him... a lot! He will feel closest to you when he can FEEL you.  Challenge his thinking, push him to take on the world with integrity. Experience with him all of the greatness he brings to you and you will earn a place in his heart.

I know that loving and helping to raise the sons of someone else is extremely challenging at times.  It's hard to find your place.  Know this... If you love my sons and see the beauty in them that I see, your place will be easy to find.   I truly believe that you can never have too many people that love your children. And while the situation may seem difficult and the number of stones that have been thrown from side to side is great, Jeff and I agree on one main thing.  Our children are our priority and we would do anything for them.  Treat their hearts with care as you would your own. Be honored when they come to you with their troubles and their joys.  Celebrate with them, for they are to be delighted in.  You have been given an extreme honor, and I am glad to be able to share my beautiful boys with you.  Thank you for loving them.  I know they will change you as they have changed me.  

Welcome to the journey.

-Charissa

Changes

It's been awhile since I've had the desire to blog... I've had a lot to say, but sometimes, just because I've had things to say doesn't mean it's the time to say them.   I've decided that now is the time to say them.

So... an overview on the last... 6 months or so.

July 2015:
With July came beautiful weather, lots of beach days to fill in the the times when I wasn't working at Single MOMM. Single MOMM was focusing on planning for the upcoming year while trying to get the ReVIVE program ready for it's official launch AND planning for Blue Jeans & Pearls was well under way including applications and interviews for the candidates of the scholarship for those who had completed ReVIVE.  This was a really unique process where we actually got to see on paper how each woman felt their life had been impacted by their time in group and where they felt they had the most personal growth.  As someone who is sometimes is frustrated because "growth" can't always be seen... it was incredibly encouraging to be able to read the about the growth each woman found. It made me very excited to prepare for the next round of group with a renewed enthusiasm for the program and all of the brain energy it sucked from me.

July 30,2015 I was on my way to have ice cream with a man (whom little did I know would capture my heart in the many months to come) I was in a severe head on car accident.  After seeing my car shortly after the accident, I was fortunate to walk away with the injuries I did.  A severe concussion, bruised chest and sternum, and a banged up knee.  These injuries caused me to slow WAY down. .. including several weeks off from work. If you know me at all... you know that I don't accept help well from others... but the injuries left me unable to drive and really do much more than sit on my couch (or the beach in most cases) and many loved ones came to my rescue.

August 2015:
As I spent lots of time sleeping in the first few weeks of August so that my brain could heal, I was able to spend a significant amount of time in personal reflection and examination of my life.  It became apparent that I was still struggling with some co-dependent tendencies that I was allowing to dictate ALL areas of my life. I never realized that while I've always considered myself incredibly independent... I was terribly afraid to make decisions on my own without the endorsement or approval of those I confided in... and for the last several months those people had included my boss and co-workers.  I made the decision that in going forward, I needed to focus more on living my life on my terms, well on God's terms, and stop seeking the approval of others.  This was going to be a challenge for sure!

The middle of August brought the time for me to return to work.  However, much to my sadness, Single MOMM had come to the conclusion that we were no longer a good match.  This left me at quite a crossroad. While I desperately needed the time to refresh and find my love for the job again, I didn't feel that my time with the women I worked with was supposed to be over yet.  Unfortunately, that was no longer my decision. For the next several weeks, I worked through a lot of sadness, frustration, and then needing to mend the hearts of those who were also quite saddened by the news.  This was challenging. Lots of tears were shed during this time.

While normally my first instinct would be to go out and get any job that I could... I felt that I was supposed to wait and spend some time healing and rejuvenating rather than rushing into a job. Again.. this was not something I was overjoyed about.. but I knew that in order to find the next step for me... I would need to be healed and well rested.

September-December 2015:
Remember the ice cream guy from before? Turns out he's pretty spectacular. Nothing like meeting someone in a neck brace and a hospital gown for the first time to make a SMASHING impression  He brought many things to the table including holding me to my word of not picking up just any job. UGH! He has endured my many melt downs, encouraged me, challenged me, and loved me in all of my glorious mess. He might need to be a whole separate blog. Stay tuned for that one. :)

Nicholas started his last year of elementary school and quickly  fell into the school routine happy to be with his friends again.  Alexander continued at Angel Care and in all of his 3 year old glory continues to capture the hearts of his teachers.  It always amazes me how opposite the boys are. They are adjusting to the co-parenting schedule relatively well and look forward to time with dad as much as time with mom.

Things at church proved to be challenging, and as I did some consulting for them, it became clear that some significant changes needed to occur, and that some of those changes were going to be quite painful.  This brought many more tears.

December 2015:
December brought with is a temporary job at Grace Episcopal Church and a time of significant personal healing. I definitely think that I've found some peace and freedom in the many changes that have occurred this last year.  From divorce to job loss, car accident to new relationship, relational loss to relational gain. Holy changes batman! And that peace would not have been possible without the help and support of many of you... new friends and old. The holiday season brought with it a new challenge as this would be my first Christmas without the boys home. That combined with more family stuff left me feeling tired and overwhelmed.  Not a good combination when you're recently recovering from a head injury.

January 2016:
After a crazy holiday season, I'm thankful for some quiet, and yes, snow.  Nicholas has joined a ski association this winter in hopes of doing some racing and I am so proud at how he has taken to not only the demanding practice schedule, but there's a twinkle in his eye when he talks about skiing that has been missing for quite awhile.

January also brought with it a second concussion as I took a cement step to the back of the head.  For those of you who are chuckling at this point because you know my history with falls, and clumsiness.. I WANT A
SPARKLY  PURPLE HELMET! The aggravation of the old injury has brought new challenges including horrible headaches, poor sleep and vision troubles.  I for see lots of needed rest in the future as my brain tries yet again to recover.  Seriously...  I probably should look into living in a bubble.

January also brought the resignation of the Pastor at the church who, along with his wife had become dear friends.  The sadness that came with that also brought disappointment in the way the event was handled.  This will put the church in a precarious position as we move forward as the need for relational healing and accountability is HUGE in order for us to succeed.

I am continuing to enjoy my day job at Grace Episcopal and have been welcomed with very open arms.  While I am only there for a short time as they experience transition, I know that it will be a rewarding time.

While I still am quite unsure of what my future holds... it's looking bright and I am excited for the many opportunities that have yet to unfold.  Ya never know what I'll end up doing next... maybe I'll pursue my childhood dream of running for president... ok well maybe not... but it will be big.. so stay tuned.