Reconstruction

I’m a very driven person… driven in my job, my parenting, my personal life, my musical life…. To me, success, or the feeling of “having arrived” is often a figment of my imagination because of that constant desire to grow.... or personal discontentment if I'm really being honest.

 Throughout my own self-reflection this week, I've found myself thinking a lot about what has been damaged in my life; not only in relational areas but personally both physically and spiritually.  Let me tell you... to say those thoughts were overwhelming would be an understatement. 

Damage: injury or harm that reduces value or usefulness 

As is natural for almost any human being, all of those negative experiences come to the surface rather quickly (gosh what's with that... can we re-wire our brains so that we see positives first... wouldn't that be nice) and as I began to reflect on the "negatives" from my life... gee it's amazing I'm still standing... or alive for that matter.  

My life has been an interesting road with some very dark, low valleys and some beautiful high peaks of amazingness (apparently my spell-check does not like the word amazingness).  There is no doubt in my mind that my journey in life has very much shaped me into the woman that I am today, and for that I am very grateful... but it has not been easy... AT ALL!

As I spent some time looking at that it got me thinking about Reconstruction.

Reconstruction: a thing that has been rebuilt after being damaged or destroyed.

I don't know if you've ever had significant areas of reconstruction in your life... but let me just tell you... they are hard!  AND... often times, when you think that the reconstruction has been completed, something happens that reminds you that you aren't nearly as close as you thought you were to being whole.

Being whole... what does that really mean? what does it look like? Is it really possible to be whole when you've been damaged? 

Wholeness: uninjured or unharmed; sound

Perhaps... we have it wrong... rather than striving for wholeness... are we really instead searching for significance? 

Significance: the quality of being significant or having a meaning

For most of us... we look to other people or things to find that meaning... wholeness... purpose... whatever word it is that you choose to identify with.  

I've spent a lot of my life finding my significance in helping other people.  Now don't get me wrong... while pride is an area I will always struggle with... that statement is not meant to be prideful.  Let me explain...

I've always been the person that people relied on... as far back as I can remember my friends have come to me when they're struggling or need a clear head or help sorting something out.  I'm good at that... I love people, and find great excitement in seeing people claim who they are as individuals.  It's one of the many reasons I love my job.  

So as I started thinking about the things I rely on for significance, it became very clear that I default to the wrong types of things when I’m hurting.  They say that you can only take a person as far in their story as you’re willing to go in your own… How far am I willing to go in my own personal growth?

This week I’ve had to make some changes, especially in relationships that have been very painful... in fact they’ve been downright gut wrenching. I hope that in making this change, I’ll be able to find that growth that I’m looking for… that I’ll be able to continue on my road towards “wholeness” not only stronger but as a better woman than I was before.  That the beauty and value that I hope others see in me really is an honest reflection of who I am rather than a facade.  That you can see me for me… and that my peace in who I am as an individual, the significance that I’ve found… IS what you see… rather than my pain…

Is it safe to say that I’m still under “reconstruction?”…. Absolutely… I may always be… but really… aren’t we all…

The key is to be okay with that… to allow who we are at the core to shine through regardless of whatever growth we are striving toward…

Because really… shouldn’t we always be striving for growth.  I know I am… and sometimes that growth is hard… and sometimes it’s easier… this week.. it’s hard.

How’s your journey in growth going? Have you resigned yourself to where you are in life? Is that really where you want to be?... 

Would you like to join me on my journey? I'd love to have traveling companions.