I grew up in a family where words were very important. Whether they were encouraging words, stern
words, or just being able to use our voices, we were taught at an early age to
speak for ourselves. We always ordered
our own food when we went to dinner, we were encouraged to share our feelings
and it should come as no surprise that word games in our house were big.
My brother and I learned at an early age that if we really
wanted something.. .I mean REALLY wanted
something… if we wrote a letter we were more likely to get what we wanted. We would put our heads together and compose
ridiculously flattering letters to our parents with phrases like “Oh Emperor of
the seas.... Empress of the lands…” with as many descriptive words as our
vocabularies would allow. (In fact I’m
pretty sure my dad has a few of these letters saved…) but my parents always
knew when they got a letter that we were asking for something… sometimes small…
but usually something we weren’t normally allowed to do. In fact… I can remember as an adult wanting
to borrow a car from my parents for a trip and calling my brother to have him
help me write a letter… (yes they let me borrow the car).
Phrases like “your vocabulary is too categorical for my diminutive
intellect to comprehend” became jokes in my family. My brother and I would have
contests to see who knew the longest word… he still maintains that “antidisestablishmentarianism”
was the biggest word (right Dan?). However,
also as I grew up… when we were punished, it was often by writing out Proverbs
like “reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings
healing”… yea I may have written that one a lot.
As I’ve become and adult, I’ve tried to instill those same
values into my children. If you’ve ever been out to eat with us, they order for
themselves and speak clearly so that they are understood. In my home, they speak for themselves and are
encouraged to share how they’re feeling even if they think I won’t like what
they have to say. To me… words are very
important.
There’s a line from my favorite movie that says:
“Do you ever feel
you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the
secret, hateful parts - your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - has
sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and moving on, you zing
them. "Hello, it's Mr Nasty." …. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could
pass all my zingers to you? And then I would never behave badly and you could
behave badly all the time, and we'd both be happy. But then, on the other hand,
I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you
mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.” (Joe
Fox, You’ve Got Mail)
Something I’ve striven for as an adult is to have less
zingers. To think before I respond… to be quick to listen and slow to speak. I’m someone who has wounded many with my
words in my life… and have been wounded by other’s words as well. To this day I hear over and over in my head “you
will never be a good mother, you’re not wired for it…” … I fight those words
daily.
In my job, I work hard to listen first and speak second… or
for that matter sometimes not speak at all. In my friendships is where this is
the hardest. Often times when in
conflict I’m quick to speak and slow to think. (but, really aren’t we all) Often,
I’ve learned to put things in letters, because then I can read, and edit, and
read and edit and repeat… so that I make sure I’m not saying things that I will
regret in the heat of the moment. I don’t
want to regret my words, because I can’t take them back.
If you know me now and knew me several years ago, you’ll
know that this is something I’ve worked a lot on. Hopefully, you’ve noticed a change…
So where do you fall
on the line? Are you someone who doesn’t use their voice at all? Are you
someone who zings people? Have you mastered this and sit in between? (if so…
let’s have coffee and teach me your ways)…
Words are important to me… Words have hurt me more than
almost anything else in my life. I know
I’ve hurt people with words… Do you pay attention to your words? Do you hurt
people with your words?
Words… such a small thing that can be so big.
