Shame

Ashamed- Embarrassed or guilty because of one's actions, characteristics or associations.

Shame – make someone feel ashamed.

Selfish – lacking consideration for others, concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

I have spent most of my life feeling ashamed because of the shame I feel towards those that are selfish. As someone who has found most of my self-worth through seeking to make others happy, I have discovered that I am incredibly resentful of those whose focus is inward. But... I'm 32 and I'm just now realizing this...

I struggle to fathom how people spend their days thinking and acting solely on what they want and have no regard for other people or often times can't see beyond the end of their own nose to notice that someone might need a kind word, some encouragement, or even a hug (although I am not a hugger, so please don't start hugging me)...

While I do feel that there are those who are exceptionally self-focused.... what I have begun to realize is that I have become more comfortable condemning those who take more care of themselves than others rather than accepting that what I need and want is not only ok... it's necessary to my survival.

I recently started doing some work transcribing psychological evaluations and one of the tests performed measures how well one cares for themselves, while another measures what one expects from relationships. The most common result is that the individual does not focus enough on themselves and does not expect relationships to be reciprocal instead often expecting little to nothing from other people.

It saddens me to realize that for the most part, I stopped expecting relationships to be reciprocal many years ago. I allowed myself to believe very quickly that the only value I had in most relationships was what I could give or do for that person and it was safer to just expect nothing in return. I have had very few relationships where I haven't operated under this mentality.

Now, in my own defense. That isn't necessarily ALL my fault. I have had many experiences that contributed to molding that world view, where either my expressed needs were shamed or ignored.... to the extent of being told that my self-centered response was causing detriment to that person to great extent.... which of course for my people-pleasing brain was devastating.

As I have done more introspective work during my accident recovery, one of the things I have identified is this pattern of feeling incredibly angry, hurt, frustrated (you pick a word it probably fits) toward others because that resentment can no longer remain stuffed in my brain. Inevitably, the anger seeps out in the form of shame... which then makes me feel ashamed... all because... the reality.

I suck at being selfish.... I envy those who are selfish. Not selfish to the point of damaging others... but people who can take care of their own needs above the needs of others and feel not only ok about it... but entitled to it. This has resulted in overextending myself (yes I know, many of you are nodding), digging myself into financial holes over and over, along with a general dissatisfaction when it comes to relationships because I feel as though no one sees me. I feel invisible. I feel like the little girl, standing in the corner of the tall grass on the edge of a field yelling “HELLO!!!! I'm over here”

So. I'm turning to a new chapter. I hope... one where I fight for me... for what I need. For people to see me for who I really am. To see my heart for loving others but also my need to be loved in return... and to be seen. To start saying no, even when the pain is excruciating because I know that there is a part of me that still feels like I won't be important if I say no. That finds value in being needed. But is no longer willing to be angry and resentful to survive the mental gymnastics of people-pleasing for self-worth.

I am worth more than that. And if you are at all like me... so are you.

Won't you join me in this new adventure. Of taking better care of me... so that of course in the end... I can take better care of you. 

And just maybe.... you can take better care of me.