Reminiscence

Do you ever have that connection with someone.... ya know... the moment you meet them you feel that deep, soul connection that really usually you only see in movies.

That's how I felt about Erik... not in a romantic way... more like the older brother I never had but always imagined.

The summer before my senior year changed my life. It changed my direction. It changed everything.

First there was Matt.... Matt was the older brother of my friend Annie who at the time was one of my dearest friends; well and really he was my friend too. The Slater kids were friends from church/youth group and I fell right in the middle of their age line-up. All the girls at one point or another had a crush on Matt... he had that dreamy blond hair, blue-eyed artistic look but with abs hat we all swooned for.

Matt passed away unexpectedly at a summer party the end of June. I can still remember getting the call to come to the hospital in the middle of the night after having left the bonfire we were all at because I had a headache. I can remember Mrs. Slater sobbing. I can remember not knowing what to do or what to say. I remember his funeral. I remember the room being so full that people were standing in rows in the back. I remember singing.... I remember not being able to cry during the funeral because I felt like someone had to hold it together, everyone was a mess. We all cried a lot in the weeks to follow. The tragic loss of Matt was something no one was prepared for, nor did we know how to handle.

Then I met Erik. Erik was a heroin addict that was newly sober and looking to make a serious direction change in his life. The details on how he was introduced to our family are a little fuzzy, I just remember his smile. We instantly hit it off. He filled a part of my heart that was still aching from the loss of Matt. He became part of the family.

Erik was an amazing cook! I can remember the first time I cooked when he came for dinner... I was SO nervous. He was so kind... even though I'm sure it wasn't that wonderful. We played Euchre.... I won and never stopped rubbing it in. He just had this way of instantly making me feel warm and comfortable. I remember his hugs. He was so tall! His arms would just wrap around me. They were the best hugs!

We used to talk about the different things we wanted to do in life. Where we wanted to go. I was entering my senior year in high school and he would tell me that I could do anything I wanted... he was sure of it.

Then the phone call came. It was October late at night. Erik was in the hospital in ICU. Originally we were told he had over-dosed. Turns out that he had gone back out and when he used, it caused an aneurysm in his brain to explode which mimicked the signs of an over-dose. I don't remember very much about the details of the next day. I remember sitting in the hospital. I remember people coming and going... everyone was crying. I remember not knowing what to do. I felt completely lost.

I remember when they decided that they were going to take him off life support I was screaming inside. The gut wrenching, heart stabbing, doubling-over feeling. I remember standing in the room. The beeping of the monitor...Everyone was saying goodbye. I couldn't say goodbye. I told him, “I'll always beat you in Euchre. You were better than any older brother I could have ever had. You can't go.” And then... the beeping stopped...his heart stopped beating...

...I didn't feel anymore.

I couldn't handle the pain, I didn't understand the pain. Why did it hurt so much.

I dropped classes, I struggled to find pleasure in anything. I felt as if part of me was missing. I had nightmares... there I was... standing there... and there he was... the beeping... and then it would stop. I would wake up feeling as though I was screaming only to find I was just dreaming. I went from having a clear plan to no plan at all. To desperately seeking something that would free me from the intense agony I was feeling.

There are a lot of people who have been important to me.

A lot of people who impacted my life in one way or another.

But there have been no more like Erik. I loved Erik as if he were my family.

The trauma of losing both Matt and Erik within months of each other caused a chasm in my heart. A dark pain that for years I tried to numb with just about anything I could. I never really found anything that took the pain away... it just became a dull ache. It still hurts. But now... I let it hurt.

People always say when someone dies, “oh they're in a better place now” or “they don't feel anymore pain.” That never takes the pain away. It doesn't help or ease the intensity.

And ya know... it's ok... It's ok that it hurts, and it's ok that I feel it. I feel no shame in missing someone who had such a profound impact on my life in such a short time.

This time of year is always difficult for me. I remember Matt. Try to imagine what he might have done with his love for art. Who he would have married and what his children might be like.

I remember Erik. My heart aches for him. To know what he would have become. To show him who I've become. And even though I believe that he is in heaven, and I know he would be proud: still I miss him.

I remember.

And it hurts.

But I'm ok.